“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”
— Lisa Kleypas, Dreaming of You (via larmoyante)
— Lisa Kleypas, Dreaming of You (via larmoyante)
Emmanuel Hudson distributing life
Everyone’s making everything up
There is no one in charge except for those
Who pretend to be
No one is coming
No one is going to
Mind read your needs
Know your body better than you
Always fight back.
Ask for it
Say you want it
Cherish your solitude
Take trains by yourself to places
You have never been
Sleep out alone under the stars
Learn how to drive a stick shift
Go so far away that you stop being afraid of
Not coming back.
Say no when you don’t want to do something
Say yes if your instincts are strong
Even if everyone around you disagrees
Decide whether you want to be liked or admired
Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out
What you’re doing here
Believe in kissing.
— Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature (via larmoyante)
— Alan Keightley (via larmoyante)
— Hanif Kureishi, Something to Tell You (via larmoyante)
— Phillip C. McGraw (via simply-quotes)
— Phillip C. McGraw (via simply-quotes)
yesterday i was going to go to a 21st celebration but i couldn’t because i realized it was basically just drinking and no one was going to go home with me and i would have to go home alone and it would be dangerous (the area where the event was held gets pretty ghetto at night and it would be dangerous to walk around there alone at night sober, much less inebriated). i refuse to not drink at an event that was meant for drinking because that is pointless and i know i would have an awful time because drunk people are so dumb and i would be doing nothing there, so i was like oh well i guess i’ll just miss out.
i was telling s.o about it and weighing out if i should go have some fun despite it being reckless to walk home alone like that (lol), because i was having an intense case of FOMO and he was just like LOL no don’t do it and I was bummed out (even though I knew it was the right choice to make and everything)
and then he messages me and tells me that he got off work early and that we should skype and have a drink and talk while watching SAO 2 (sword art online is amazing, i recommend it, and we recently found that there was sword art online 2. it’s an anime and totally geeky but we love it). so that’s what I did for the night - we joked and watched the show and talked about our day
and i don’t know, it was great. i don’t know, it’s small moments like that that make me feel content.
sometimes I try to refrain from writing about boys on tumblr because I don’t want to sound like someone who always talks about my relationship, because I’m not. and someone made a comment once that when I did write about it, and it would be about me being happy and then me being sad when things didn’t go well and it was obvious with my posts, and when i heard that I felt ashamed..and then I realized..why?
I don’t owe anyone anything on tumblr and I shouldn’t have felt ashamed. i can be independent if I wanted to be, but why do I have to be? Some people are better with others, and I found that I’m one of those people, I love the support of friends, family, and a significant other. People don’t make my life, but they make my life better- they’re the highlights. i should talk about these people and i should talk about how happy I am. I realized that even if things are great or if they went to shit, I shouldn’t feel bad writing about it because Tina, fuck what other people think
i don’t talk about my s/o as much and i think sometimes I think it’s because I’m scared it’ll fail and people will be like, oh there she goes again or something. but I think I’m slowly getting over that. like fuck what people think, it’s my failure in the end and it’s my chance at happiness in the end. it doesn’t matter if i date 100 boys or 1000 boys (though I’ve only dated 4), it should mean nothing to anyone but me. and I’m mad that I’ve felt so like ashamed to even write about it on tumblr, like I’m ashamed to share that piece of me because im scared people will think im some type of girl who can’t think beyond a guy
because fuck that, i am great. i am intelligent, i can crack lame jokes, and i try my best to be as kind as i can be, and that’s good enough for me and i am good enough for me. and if people can’t see beyond that, then it’s like what they say - those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.
with that said, im happy. I don’t know if this relationship will end terribly, but I’ve been learning how to self love, and how to love better. i don’t think im in love, but i don’t mind, nor am i in a rush. I’ve been reading a lot of inspiration books and it talks about the cynicism we build up as a society because we don’t talk about love. It talks about how we never want to be the one who “cares too much” or “loves first” and how we don’t like talking about love because we are scared of how people judge us. and i was reading it and i was thinking about human intimacy
so im sure everyone who’s read my tumblr before knew I dated someone before my s/o now, and I hardly talk about it because it turned into a shit show and it was sad. but i know it wasn’t my fault and it was because my ex just couldn’t handle an amicable breakup, and there’s no denying that. i used to have so many posts just in rage at how shitty of a person I thought he was and everything, and how I still thought what we had was love and it was a good memory, but honestly, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t tell myself those things to feel better. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I realized that I cared deeply, and maybe even loved my ex, but it was the most self destructive kind of relationship. i don’t mean to sound harsh, and I’m trying not to be because I’ve moved passed being angry about it, because I realize it taught me what kind of relationship not to be in. i cared about him and e as a friend and I’ll never take that away from that memory, but I wasn’t in love, nor was I in a good place. There’s just so much to it, but it’s not for a tumblr audience to know, it’s for me to remember. But I realized that maybe if someone loves you (or says you do), you don’t have to love them back or day you do. I think I felt pressured to do so, not because of him but because I’ve always wanted to be in love because who doesn’t? Doesn’t it sound amazing and beautiful like butterflies and rainbows and happiness day in and day out, and like every emotion is amplified a thousand times. but it isn’t really, and everyone knows that love is the long haul, it’s realizing that things are shit and you still want to be together because being together is better than being alone. and my ex didn’t want to do that, because when things weren’t happy and dandy he didn’t want to fix those, and it was hurtful fights after fights and i don’t mind fighting when it ends up being constructive, but those fights always ended up with me crying and me apologizing and being angry and upset and nothing gets solved except by force. I don’t hate him, but I read this quote recently that just really hit me:
"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."
— Daniell Koepke
isn’t that so well put? Some people you can find yourself with just aren’t good for you. And I felt so disappointed because I wanted to love someone and be in love and I put myself into something that wasn’t good for me, and frankly, everyone knew it. My friends and my family knew it but no one wanted to ruin my happy honeymoon streak by telling me that someone was clearly not right for me, but I get it, it was a mistake that you have to realize yourself.
and I don’t regret that relationship, it was nice while it was nice and I learned what I wanted in the future and myself. I feel bad from “taking it” away from my ex, but was we had wasn’t love, it was still happy and wonderful but it was infatuation. When things got hard, he never stuck around because for him, what he felt and what he wanted was always #1, and it took me a lot of time to realize that he didn’t see love the way that I did. He saw it as possession, as his feelings are the most important, and I made them the most important thing and I was a people- pleaser and I made his happiness the most important thing and I forgot about myself.
hindsight is always 20/20. when I look back and after some introspection, I wonder why I didn’t notice it then, but then I realize you never do. i feel ashamed sometimes because I so openly declared I loved someone when I don’t, but now I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I was learning. I knew that love wasn’t about all that adrenaline rush, and I realized that I tried to get someone to see that, and sometimes people are at different points of life and they just don’t work with you, and that’s that.
some people learn, and some people don’t. I don’t mean any of this as an attack, I just wanted to always get that out. I’m not ashamed to keep trying to attain a fulfilling relationship, and I don’t think anyone should be. We’re weighed down by cynicism and defeat all the time, yet time after time we find ourselves with others and we wonder why we put ourselves through it again. It’s because it’s all you can do, keep loving and never stop loving. we keep looking for people until we find people good for us.
I was really reluctant to date my s/o now and I’m even more reluctant to say I love them, which I haven’t because I don’t think I’m at a position where I feel comfortable in doing so. I try not to rush myself into that, and just enjoy the ride. we’ve been dating a bit over half a year and i have recently gotten over my period of detachment, where I wanted to make sure I could up and leave at any time and not feel hurt. I wanted to be “chill” and not lame, and be all independent and whatever and you can do your thing and I can do mine, I don’t care, etc.
And I realized I was not being fair to him, and he’s a great guy. He doesn’t deserve all that bullshit just because my last relationship didn’t end well, and I deserve every little chance at happiness I could get. And it’s rough, long distance for now, and I don’t know if it will last. For all I know, it could crash and burn and end terribly in tears and misery, but maybe it won’t.
it worries me sometimes, because I’m still scared. I know I’m scared because I don’t like imagining future plans with people. I don’t mean marriage or anything like that, but I can’t even imagine plans half a year from now sometimes because I’m scared of putting people in my picture because I’m scared of them leaving.
the other day we were talking about jobs and future career goals because we know people who make a lot of money and we’re both trying to figure out if we should switch into more lucrative careers. and he was saying how he needed to find a job next semester and hopefully we can find an apartment to share when we intern over the summer, and i was just like “oh yeah!” But inside I was like “what the fuck” because we’re not the type of people to think about that kind of stuff because it just seems so ridic. I’m also just not the type of person to imagine being with people for that long - it’s a coping mechanism I have. If I think about plans with just me, I can’t be disappointed. But if I make plans with them in it and they leave id be devestated.
It’s been a long post, and I don’t know where I’m going with it. I guess it’s just me realizing these small things. I’m happy so far. We’re not perfect but I don’t think our ways of living are toxic to each other. We communicate well, constructively, and I’m happy, even when he’s hundreds of miles away. And it’s all these small things, I guess, like last night.
it’s like when I sit in a 2 hour car ride and we’d hold hands and listen to the music in silence, bumming and singing to ourselves. or just sitting in bed and watching a really funny movie and then falling asleep butt to butt. or when we talk about what we want to eat for dinner and walk in the park when we’re not feeling so happy by ourselves.
"just being with you makes things better" - and in the smallest and simplest of ways.
this has been a sappy post, but I’m happy with where I am right now. I’m not ashamed of being vulnerable and being opened to this facet of happiness. Even if it leaves in the future, which I’m deathly scared of, but whatever. I’m not going to stop myself from feeling and expressing whatever it is I feel. it feels great, im content.
— (via highrapunzel)
— Criminal Minds (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
Cracks me up
life in dc has become sort of normal, but i don’t quite think it’s the place for me. maybe it’s because im an intern but when you’re in DC, people talk about their work all the time. don’t get me wrong, work is important but everywhere you go, it’s about what you do. i went to a house party and the first question i asked is what i do here in DC, and I guess it’s normal, like when you go to a party and they ask you what you study or whatever, but it’s just boring to answer again and again.
life in DC is normal, but has made me realize how much living life on a budget sucks. i paid 6 bucks for grapes and cried a bit inside, and then realized how hard it is to afford fresh fruits and vegetables and how easy it is to eat canned foods and frozen things because it’s so much cheaper. that does really suck, and made me think about all the movements to bring fresh foods to neighborhoods and how poverty, welfare and health are so closely linked. I remember reading about how someone on welfare could be “fat” because they eat things that are not nutritious and that it’s such a shitty argument to say that just because someone is fat and on
welfare it means they’re doing just fine.
being in dc also reaffirmed the fact that this world is just full of so many damn problems. But at the same time there are so many overworked and underpaid people trying to make things better.
— Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table, with Recipes (via nofatnowhip)